Dr. Cox and Dr. Kelso are my heroes

It is a known fact in my department that i am not a morning person, especially when we travel for work. I have decided that a couple of my co-workers are slow learners and must have ridden the short bus to school. Here's why...

We hired a couple of new people so I understand if on their first audit with me they have no idea not to talk to me before 10:00 a.m. We were in Arlington driving from the hotel to the hospital. There are four of us in the car. I'm in the back seat with the newbie. I have my head leaning against the window, my eyes are closed, and i'm not saying a word. Ten minutes down the road, Newbie says to me, "Hey! Are you tired? You have your eyes closed!" I tried to ignore him because i was sleeping. He asked me again and my response was, "I was sleeping till you woke me up." One of my best friends who also works with me was in the front seat and informed him that i'm not a morning person and it would be in his best interest if he didn't talk to me (unless work related) before 10. Ok, not a big deal because this was Newbie's first trip with me. He didn't know but now he does.

Fast forward to Salt Lake City. I NEVER speak to anyone when we are eatting breakfast, never. Apparently Newbie didn't realize this. He starts talking to me and the only response he gets from me is the occassional grunt or moan. Thank goodness the third person on our audit team finally made it to breakfast so he could talk to her and leave me alone. This is the normal routine for about 4 days. On Thursday we walk into the audit room, i sit down at my computer and start working. It's going on about 8:45 and i have not said one word to anyone. Newbie, who is sitting across from me, says to me, "Either you are not a morning person or you don't like us?" If looks could kill! I lifted my head and said, "yes - in the morning" Seriously, did you ride the short bus? Are you a slow learner? You have been told that i am not a morning person so DO NOT talk to me.

So, the next trip was to Philly. I have another newbie with me and it was worse than having the other Newbie. I think we hired 2 really slow learners because how many times do i have to ignore you in the morning, how many times do you have to be told before you realize i don't start chit chatting with you till 10:00???? I don't have a problem talking to you before 10:00 IF if is work related because after all, that's why i am here. But i do not care about the new road or the new type of bread you found at Wal-Mart.

I don't feel bad when i don't talk to them since they have been told that i'm not a morning person. Good grief, are you really that slow? My not being a morning person also extends to the office. Why, oh why, as soon as i walk in the morning does Newbie #1 feel the need to tell me about every piece of useless knowledge he has obtained since 5:00 yesterday.

At this point, the Newbies are lucky if i even turn around and look at them when they talk to me. I feel like Dr. Cox from Scrubs. I think i'm going to take a page from Dr. Cox the next time any of the newbies walk up to me before 10:00 without a work question.

J.D.: Dr. Cox...
Dr. Cox: Newbie, if the next two words out of your mouth aren't 'See ya' then the third word will be 'Oh my god. My crotch. You've punched me in my crotch.'.
J.D.: See ya.

Great, i have to go. I hear one of the Newbies walking over to my desk. I think I may try this quote on the Newbie today...(Insert "Lester" where you see "Dr. Kelso.")

Dr. Kelso: Hey, guess what has two thumbs and still doesn't give a crap? [Points at his face with his thumbs]
Dr. Kelso: Bob Kelso! I think we've met...


P.S. Can i get a shout out from all those who are fans of Scrubs?

American Idol and Ground Hog Day

Have you ever seen the movie Ground Hog Day? Well, today was one of those days. You know you have spent too much time traveling when you are sitting at the airport and start to recognize (or think you do) people in the airport. I'm still waiting for the day when i start to go through security and they treat me like Norm from Cheers..."Lester!!"

Anyway, I'm in Philadelphia this week but let me tell you there's not any brotherly love coming from this southerner. Let me tell you about the car we rented from Hertz. We always rent a full-size car when we travel such as a Ford Taurus. Today was no different. I rented a full size and what we got was a toy car a.k.a a Dodge Calibur. I could not get the door locks to work. I couldn't get the back door to unlock. I tried several times but was unsuccessful until my boss realized i kept hitting the lock button and not the unlock button. Once we got the back door opened we realized there was no way we could fit 3 suitcases and 3 computer bags in the back. We had to lay down part of the back seat just to get everything in the car. We have so much luggage i can not see out the back window. I do have pictures but will post them when i get back to Nashvegas. We drove around for about an hour looking for some place to eat that looked safe and that had past a health inspection. We finally got to the hospital at 3:00. We worked for 3 hours and then left for dinner. Dinner was great except for the church service and debate that happened. One girl started preaching and after about 15 minutes i reached for my purse which they asked what i was doing. "oh, i'm getting out my purse so i can write a check because i know at any minute we are all going to stand and sing 'Just as I am' and pass the collection plate. The debate was over....drum roll....speaking in tongues. By the end of dinner I wanted to rip out their tongues.

We leave the restaurant and head back to the car. Just as i get in the car i am struck with a sudden urge to pee. I knew that we were not too far from the hotel so i decided to hold it. Bad, Bad, Bad idea. In order to get to the hotel we have to drive around Independence Hall (it's sort of like a round-about). As I see the turn i need to make i realize that i am in the wrong lane so i tried to change lanes but i can't see jack b/c of all the darn luggage in the car. I have no idea if there are cars behind me or not. The entire back of the car is a blind spot. I miss our turn so we have to drive around Independence Hall again. It takes about 2-3 minutes to make the entire trip around the Hall. My bladder is starting to hurt. Long story short, we had to drive around the Hall a THIRD time. We finally make it to the street our hotel is on...I can see. I start to tell myself, "i'm going to make it." I pull up to the street and it's blocked off because of road work. We finally make it to the hotel, i parked on the street, left the car running, jumped out and ran inside to the lobby. I can't find the bathroom b/c it's on the lower level and i'm on the second level. I have never ran down a flight of stairs so fast as i did tonight. I make it to the bathroom, and oh, sweet relief.

Did i mention that American Idol is not too far from the hotel holding try-outs.

Kevin, Uncle Bob, and Elvis

Little over two years ago my Uncle Bob passed away. My brother, Kevin, was really close to him and his passing really affected Kevin. One thing that Kevin and Uncle Bob shared was their "love" of Elvis. My uncle actually grew up with and was friends with Elvis. When they were in high school Elvis and my uncle and their friends were all sitting around listening to Elvis play the guitar. My uncle actually told Elvis, "Too bad you won't be able to make any money playing that guitar." My uncle and Elvis grew up in the same projects in Memphis, Lauderdale Courts, which is located right beside St. Jude. Anyway, last night was the big candlelight service at Graceland. Below is an email i received from kevin this morning.

As you all know today is the 30th Anniversary of Elvis' death. From 2001-2004 Uncle Bob and I would go to Graceland on the night of August 15th for the festivities and the Candlelight Vigil...we always had so much fun. We would always get a hamburger at Checkers on Elvis Presley Blvd...take it to one of the stages and eat it while we watched "Elvis" perform. We would walk around some more, go into the gift shops, and make our way the the big screen and watch concert highlights...then we would make our way to the street and always sit in front of Graceland and watch the fans make their way up the coffin. Every year I made Uncle Bob tell me all of his Elvis stories...they never ever got old. We made so many memories together down there from Uncle Bob tripping on the sidewalk and both of us laughing until we cried, to him always always running into to someone who had, at some point, bought some Elvis memorobillia from him.

The 25th Anniversary year Uncle Bob and I couldn't believe how many people were there for Elvis. I think there were about 30,000 people there. I remember clear as day when Uncle Bob said, "I just can't get over how many people are here for just one man. I can only imagine what it will be like for the 30th Anniversary. I bet there will be about 75,000 people here that year (wouldn't you know it...he was right!!). I hope I'm still around for the 30th" When he told me that I replied, "Well, if you're not around I'll come down here for the both of us." I felt like at that point Uncle Bob had found a pretty good Elvis buddy.

So, I had plans to go down there by myself last night but Melanie said she would go with me because I think she knew it would be kind of hard on me to go there by myself. I'm so glad she went. We got down there and she was so amazed at how many people were there. She said, "All of this for one guy!" I said, "Yup..and Uncle Bob knew him". I found Uncle Bob and mine's spot in front of Graceland in the middle of Elvis Presley Blvd. We sat down in our chairs and I started telling all of Uncle Bob's Elvis stories as best I could. She enjoyed them. I attached some pictures from last night..the last one is a guy drawing with chalk..really impressive.

I had fun but it was not near as much without Uncle Bob for obvious reasons. Every year we went to this Uncle Bob and I got a little closer and that's what I looked forward to the most. As I was sitting in front of Graceland last night I kept wanting to look over and talk to Uncle Bob and ask him an Elvis question and it was so hard realize that he was sitting right beside. It was so odd being at Graceland without Uncle Bob. Towards the end I realized Elvis and Uncle were looking down last night watching us...and that brought a smile to my face.
Kevin at Graceland

Melanie and "Elvis"

If You Choke Don't Look to the Reeves' For Help

This past weekend I went to Montgomery and was able to spend a little time with two of my favorite of aliens – Judy and Rudy. It was so nice to hang out with them. As soon as I got back to Nashville I went straight to Margaret and Terry’s house for dinner. While we were eating dinner Nate and Niño kept making all of us laugh uncontrollably. I leaned over and told Margaret that they had to stop talking long enough so I could drink some of my tea. I was afraid to take a sip of tea for fear of getting choked on the tea from laughing at the boys. About 2 minutes later as I was telling a story, Nate made some comment that really wasn’t funny but the delivery was priceless right at the same time I started to take a drink. The next thing I know I was reenacting Ryan’s choking scene from Honduras. I started laughing and then choking. If that wasn’t bad enough I had sweet tea coming out of my nose and my mouth. I kept waiting for someone to come to my rescue like Ben did for Ryan but no such luck. All I got was Nate and Niño trying to decide how many “points” they should get for making me choke. Nate said he should get at least two points. In between trying to cough everything up and catch my breath I hear Niño say, “Nate, I concur. Two Points!” I finally feel Margaret slap my back and then I hear Nate, “I think we get Three Points if she dies.” Dang, tough crowd!! I would have been fine had the boys not kept talking and kept making me laugh. It was absolutely hilarious. Both Margaret and I had tears running down our faces.

Thriller

Can I get a shout out from all my peeps that at one point in their life knew some of the "Thriller Dance" This is a group of 1,500+ inmates dancing to thriller. This is awesome!

Betsy, Alicia, and Me

Today marks the 2 year anniversary of the passing of my best friend Betsy. I received a phone call at work that Betsy had a seizure while she was sleeping and passed away.

Betsy and I met at Lipscomb. She was an RA in Elam. We lived down the hall from each other. Our friendship grew from her checking my room at curfew. I can’t tell you how many times she would check my room and forget to finish room check because we would just start chatting.

My senior year in college I was an RA in Yearwood. My head resident was none other than Judy Mitchell. One night Betsy and I went to a hockey game with Brett and Judy. This was during the time when Amy Grant was getting a divorce from her husband and Vince Gill was getting a divorce from his wife because Amy and Vince had an affair together. Amy Grant walks out onto the ice to sing the National Anthem and Judy yells from the nosebleed section “HOOKER!” It was absolutely hilarious. Betsy and I started laughing and I think we stopped laughing sometime during the second period. Ever since that night Betsy and I called each other “Hooker.” It was a term of endearment. The term eventually evolved into another phrase that Betsy “Hooker” Rachal would say, “Are you being Hookerific?” We never signed cards with our real names but with Hooker Rachal or Hooker Woods.

Betsy and I lived 2 houses down from each other the summer after I graduated. We said that we had the best job in the world but the benefits sucked. We were both unemployed which meant we were both broke. Every night Betsy and I would make a Kroger run to buy Kroger cheesy bread and a marble sheet cake. We would come back to my apartment to enjoy our treats and watch A League of Their Own. We would watch this movie every night because like clockwork Betsy would ALWAYS fall asleep during the movie. It didn’t matter if we started at 7:00 or 11:00, Betsy was going to fall asleep. Betsy never found out how the movie ended. Every time I watch A League of Their Own I always think back to that summer and how much fun we had even though we were broke.

Betsy like to run, actually, she loved to run. She loved it so much that she ran the Country Music Half Marathon in 2004. In 2005 she tried to convince me to run it with her. I couldn’t train with her due to my schedule but I promised her that no matter what I would run the 2006 Half Marathon with her. Betsy died in 2005 so I never got to run with her. So, when it came time to start training for the 2006 Half Marathon I knew I had to run the race because I promised her the year before that “no matter what I would run the 2006 Half Marathon.” I recruited 7 other people who were friends with Betsy and we became Team Betsy. By the time race day rolled around there were 4 of us that ran for Betsy – Me, Keri, Meridy, and Nathan. It was a hard race due to the emotions we were all dealing with but Betsy was with us. My time was the exact same time Betsy ran in her first race in 2004 and Keri and Meridy’s time was the same time that Betsy ran in her 2005 race. How strange is that!! Betsy was absolutely with us that day.

Nathan, Meridy, Keri and Me after the 2006 Country Music Half Marathon

Betsy was the person that knew exactly what I was thinking before I ever said it. She knew me better than anyone else in the world. Betsy and I had been through a lot over the years. Betsy taught me a lot about life and about myself. I think that I get some of my personality from her. She taught my how to enjoy life and to look for silver lining in a bad situation. She taught me that the clouds don’t stick around forever – the sun will eventually shine and above all God always has you in his hands.

After I received the phone call at work that Betsy had died, I left and went to Laura’s house – which is where everyone was meeting. I left Laura’s house around 10:00 and headed home. On my way home I checked my voicemail on my house phone. I had two new messages. Both of the voicemails were from Betsy! Betsy called me at 9:00 p.m. on Monday night. She left two messages because the voicemail she left was so long it cut her off. Can you guess what the first sentence out of her mouth was? “Hooker! Are you being Hookerific?” We were told that they estimated she died around 10:00 p.m. – an hour after she left me my messages. It was so weird to hear her voice again knowing that I would never hear it again. I still have those two voicemails saved. Betsy always told me that she had one fear – having a seizure when she alone because she might die. I know that I couldn’t have saved her even if I had been on the phone with her that night but at least she would not have died alone. There is still some guilt that I carry with me and I probably always will. Why couldn’t I have been home when she called that Monday night??!!!??

It’s been a tough two years. Two years ago part of my heart died when Betsy left this world. I still feel lonely and lost from time to time without her. I miss having her around. I miss having a partner in crime that knows everything about me by looking into my eyes. I have not been back to the cemetery since the funeral. I’m just not ready. I still struggle with trying to move on without her because I can’t seem to make my heart understand (or my mind) that moving on doesn’t mean that I don’t love her anymore or that I’m going to forget her. For all of you who knew Betsy you know how much your life was blessed by knowing her.

Hooker Rachal,
I still love you dearly and miss you more and more each day. It’s been two years and I just can’t seem to grasp the fact that I’ll never have another 3 hour phone conversation with you. You brought so much joy and laughter into my life. I know that I will see you again some day and I am looking forward to the day that I look up and see you standing at the gate waiting to greet me. I love you, forever!
Hooker Woods

This song came out not too long after Betsy died and it sums it all up for me.
Who You’d Be Today
Kenny Chesney
Sunny days seem to hurt the most.

I wear the pain like a heavy coat.

I feel you everywhere I go.

I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young,

Like the story that had just begun,

But death tore the pages all away.

God knows how I miss you,

All the hell that I've been through,

Just knowin' no-one could take your place.

An' sometimes I wonder,Who'd you be today?

Would you see the world?

Would you chase your dreams?

Settle down with a family,

I wonder what would you name your babies?

Some days the sky's so blue,I feel like I can talk to you,

An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair: you died too young,

Like the story that had just begun,

But death tore the pages all away.

God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,

Just knowin' no-one could take your place.

An' sometimes I wonder,Who'd you be today?

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.

I wear the pain like a heavy coat.

The only thing that gives me hope,

Is I know I'll see you again some day.

Hooker – I will see you again some day!!

To all of my friends,
Thank you all for being there for me during the past two years. I know that in the beginning there were times I know you felt as though you were "babysitting" me but thank you for always being there. Thank you all for helping me during one of the darkest times of my life. I love you all!

No One Wants To See Your Thong

Last night my department at work went out to eat to celebrate the promotion of one of the girls in the department to controller at our hospital in Chicago. Nine girls went to Chili's and the employee who waited on us was wearing a thong. We didn't actually see the thong until the employee leaned over the table in front of us. Y'all know me - i started laughing and couldn't stop. The girl sitting beside me started laughing and the rest is history. Nine girls are laughing but yet we are trying not to call attention to our table or make the employee feel bad. Then I realized the appearance of the thong was on purpose. The WAITER had HIS shirt tucked into HIS apron strings so HIS low rise jeans would show off HIS thong. It's one thing to see a girl's thong but it is a completely different thing to see a guy's thong. That's a whole new level of distrubance. I realize that sometimes i don't have much tact and in this case i was fighting the urge to say something. You are a waiter in a restaurant, either pull up your pants or untuck your shirt from your apron strings because NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOUR THONG!